Dumped & Pot Noodles

The Dog's Blog

24 Jan 2008
Dumped & Pot Noodles
I know how to play hard to get I do. I'm really intelligent me.

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I dumped him.

I've never, like ever, begged someone before and I won't be starting now that's for sure. I haven't heard from him since 15th December 8.57pm in the Thrush and Giblet bar in the High Street. He was standing with his mates but must have had a funny tummy or something, as he saw me then ran off to the toilets.

'Our' toilets, where I first gave him a bj. Anyway, there I was shouting through the cubicle door, 'Gav! GAV!!! Why ain't you phoned? I left 47 messages yesterday and you never replied.'

I heard the window open and shut, so he must have been really ill.

So I've spent the last month poking him on MySpazz, texting, emailing, even climbing over his Nan's garage roof to sit underneath his bedroom window. And following him in Sonia's Yaris, but nothing. He's had his chance with me and there's no way I'm begging anyone.

He was too ugly anyway and had a tiny cock. Like one of those button mushrooms that you get in a Chicken and Mushroom Pot Noodle, except smaller. Sally at "Wide, Bride and Legless" promised to take my dress back but I'll have to forfeit my deposit because of the nipple holes I cut out; but they're hoping that a midget person will buy it to make it look normal length. Or a leper person.

Thinking about it, I think he's been ill a while, as he went white the day when I mentioned buying a dress. I might give him another ring, just in case.

That was the end of the calendar shoot then. I'm hoping for a fitness video as they seem quite popular now and I know I can dance. Everyone just stops and stares when I start, usually the DJ has to stop the music so he can watch too.

I've been trying to find the right outfit for the shoot but I'm sick to death of things being made abroad. I'm a size 4, as you well know, but when I nipped into Primark the other day, I had trouble fitting into their size 10 leggings. I ended up with an 18-20!!! And the assistant forced me to buy them as I'd "strained the crotch". As if. I put them on and had a practice when I got home and the whole arse of them split. It's just shoddy workmanship if you ask me. I have a chubby size 12 friend so she's lent me a bikini to wear instead. It must have been made in Thailand as I struggled to get it over my thighs, but if that fat bitch can squeeze into it then it's bound to fit me.

I met a bloke in the park the other day, he was hanging around the bushes and had a camera - bloody paps get everywhere!. I get no peace whatsoever. Anyway, I ruffled my hair and used a whole tube of "Juceey Lipz" (£2.99 Ann Summers) and wandered in front of him. He ignored me so it's obvious he was trying to catch me all ugly like and buying tampons or something. I went to sit on the park bench all legs akimbo - it was bloody freezing so I'm glad I didn't get chapped lips - he must have got a good shot eventually. Must be new in the business.

Anyway, must dash. I did five minutes of dance this morning - to the This Morning theme funnily enough - and I'm ready for a kebab now. I just hope that when I do my video I can inspire salad dodgers everywhere to get off their lardy arses and they too can get a body like mine.

Laters, h8rs and fatties and tubbies and chunkies! xxXX (((lard-arse))) XXxx